Posted by: Brenda Kula | July 21, 2008

I Imagine

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Alex from My Quill And Pen has tagged me. Keep Alex in your thoughts. She will undergo surgery to determine the growth on her liver on Wednesday.

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Fill in the following blanks:

I THINK – you magically become more intelligent and content after you turn 50. (I’m 51)

I KNOW – my thoughts drip like paint from my fingers onto a blank page

I HAVE – a menagerie of pets that I simply adore. And more strength than I originally thought.

I WISH – Alex gets good news and dances her way on to a long, happy life. To music only she can hear.

I HATE – to see folks killing themselves with cigarettes

I MISS – my daughters and grandson who live too far away to visit often

I FEAR – fear itself, which I’ve relegated to a room in my mind, that now has a closed door with a lock on it. I have the key here somewhere…

I FEEL – worried for all the folks losing their homes due to the economy, fires, and other current disasters

I HEAR – my garden calling to me. Other than that, construction workers with their electrical machinery, and an old-fashioned table fan whirring softly in the background

I SMELL – coffee in the kitchen

I CRAVE – rum raisin Haagen Dazs

I SEARCH – for contentment. True contentment that comes in the form of my gardens and my fingers on a keyboard.

I WONDER – where my siblings are. And if my mother is still alive. And if she  is, if she thinks about me.

I REGRET – so many things. Life is filled with regret. It’s the learning how to let it go, like releasing a balloon into the wind, that is my true salvation. You learn a day at a time.

I LOVE – nature. Green growing things that bring little miracles to my garden. My pet babies and how they look up at me so adoringly. With such love and devotion and loyalty.

I ACHE – for Alexandra. I want to wrap my mother-wings around her young shoulders and make it all right.

I AM NOT – subtle. It gets me in a fair amount of trouble. But don’t ask me a question if you don’t want the answer. My honesty barometer is set at "brutally frank."

I BELIEVE – things are finally coming together for me in my life circumstances.

I DANCE – Actually, I have never danced. Aside from rocking my babies on my hips about the room lulling their cries. I leave it to Alex to teach me to dance. I firmly believe that there are infinite ways in which to "dance." Mine seems to be in my head with words.

I SING – Sorry. Can’t carry a tune in a bucket. But I make up little songs to sing to the dogs when gardening chores take me outside the gate and out of their sight, so they don’t whine and cry. I am fully embarrassed when I look up and see a neighbor walking past, and I am found singing something that makes absolutely no sense. Even to me.

I CRY – when I read sad stories. When I look back and know there were forks in the road I drove right past without pausing.

I DON’T ALWAYS – put myself right in front in terms of importance. Because I know in my heart that if I don’t, then no one else will. (A lesson we all learn at some point). But knowing it and doing it are two different things…

I FIGHT – the nightmares and flashbacks that render me inert and frightened. The worst part is not knowing why.

I WRITE – whatever comes into my head. And hope it doesn’t offend.

I WIN – because I made it this far…and counting

I NEVER – want anger to be my strongest emotion. It ages you, stesses you, and whittles away at your immune system. And I don’t just mean your physical one.

I ALWAYS – try to help others in need

I LISTEN – to silence. It is my favorite music. My solace, my balm.

I CAN USUALLY BE FOUND – at my computer or in my gardens. Communicating with other bloggers. Or communing with nature.

I AM SCARED – that I will not get done all I need to do in life

I NEED – to find a way back home. Wherever that is.

I AM HAPPY ABOUT – the fact that I am finally learning to take back my power.

I IMAGINE – having a little cabin near a lake. Just one big room with a bathroom and kitchen. And a porch with a roof over it. Where I can look out over the water and feel true contentment. The kind no one can take from you. A series of small gardens that spring forth blooms, the only beauty that I need.

I tag: Suzy at Georgia Peachez; Curtissann at Pressing On; and Violet at Lady Greenthumb’s Garden. If you ladies don’t have the time to do this, don’t feel compelled to do so.

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Responses

  1. Oh, no wonder we are friends! I smile as I read your list. And nod so much. You are a wise woman, and yes, we are all far stronger than we imagine. 🙂

    I’m home and getting back into the swing by reading your blog. Thank you for writing and sharing.

  2. When you write, I’m captured by the ability you have to draw me into your thoughts. You are such a talented lady.

    Gretchen

  3. Thank you for the sweet comments about me. and I chuckled about your comments on “I sing”…so honest, yet cute. Thanks for making me laugh today!!! 🙂

  4. I was just ‘charging my batteries’ and enjoying all of your wonderfully written thoughts. I have always admired people who have both the gift of being so distinctively wise and goodhearted, and then being able to jot it down on a piece of paper and leave their heart amid all those marvelous reflexions on life. It is true your thoughts drop like paint on to this blank page and yet they leave such a wonderful print. I bet somewhere in that bucket of paint you’re hiding a key to our hearts 😉 And just as I thought I’d drop a line hoping your wishes will come true and Alex will get good news, I spotted a familiar name on the bottom of the list. Thanks and I will pass on this lovely tag soon.

  5. Reading your list made me smile the more I read the more I like you !!!
    You know… we are wiser as we get older, if only we could of started off this way , life would be so much simpler.
    I will pray for Alex , I hope its good news for her.
    Your so honest I just love it thanks for sharing with us.
    Diane

  6. A perfectly wonderful list, Brenda. 🙂

  7. I enjoyed your comments, you’re always so interesting. I’m glad you’re feeling better!
    P.S. I LOVE the toad, I think he’s cute!

  8. Hi Brenda. You are very deep in your emotions, as I read more about you! I’m sorry you’ve been hurt in life, but I can tell you’re a tough cookie!

    I’ve missed you! Come back and see me sometimes.
    be a sweetie,
    Shelia 😉

  9. Wow this was beautiful and so revealing. You really shared a piece of your heart here. Thank you for being so open and honest. I hope you get everything you wish for.

  10. Hi Brenda, I loved this post. It spoke to my heart because I’ve been thinkingaboutsome of these things too, like letting go and regrets. Thank you for sharing.
    Love & Hugs,
    Dy

  11. Wow! So eloquent Brenda. That was really awesome. Beautifully written. You sure rose to the challenge of that tag.

    Alex will be in my thoughts.e

  12. Hi Brenda! There you are! Oh, I’m glad you fixed me! I thot you didn’t like me anymore ;( I don’t know too much about all these things myself! Well, thanks for popping in to ‘cruise’ with me this morning. One thing about cruising – you can do as much or as little as you want and there’s food everywhere you turn. Now that can be a bad thing for me – I love to eat too much.
    Be a sweetie,
    Shelia 😉

  13. just found your blog—it’s great—can relate—also love your pictures.please check out mine http://www.mysisterdalesgarden.com and blog http://www.mysisterdalesgarden.blogspot.com garden is dedicated to my sister. i will be back.

  14. Oh– couple more things, I always have more comment. 🙂 The last one, the place at the lake. I found two such places on Mobile Bay– lovely, and me, too! Thank you for tagging me, because this is such a widening exercise, and I’ve found more blogs because of it!
    big hugs,

  15. Good morning. Hope you are well. I’m struggling today, but making it through. *hugs*

  16. I love your writing… so simply & easy to read. And so honest. Alex tagged me too. Now, to sit down & express my thoughts. Why is it that I would rather find a way to be funny vs. upfront & honest? But I’ll see what I can do this go around. 🙂 xoxo, Joanna

  17. Wow Brenda! That was wonderful. Truly thought provoking! Thank you!

  18. Wow Brenda! That was wonderful. Truly thought provoking! Thank you!

  19. Wow Brenda! That was wonderful. Truly thought provoking! Thank you!

  20. Hope you are feeling better and that your friend is no longer upset with you!!
    Brenda, you have the most beautiful way of writing……..it is like your thoughts have been turned into poetry! I enjoyed reading this….it is so nice getting to know you more and more!
    ((HUGS)))
    -Cinderella 🙂


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